A challenge was recently thrown up on Facebook from a friend to post a favorite chapter from the Bible and then highlight your favorite verses. Psalm 139 immediately came to mind as it shows what a special relationship we can have with our Creator. God's thoughts are beyond anything I can possibly grasp, but at the same time I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I love the idea of God knitting me in my mother's womb. It shows that He has taken time to create me. He didn't just point his finger and zap me into existence. He molded me; He is the potter, I am the clay. He made me on purpose. I was no accident, and I wasn't a drive-by creation either. God knew what He was doing.

Lately I haven't felt that special close relationship with my God. I've had to make some tough decisions. Decisions that aren't too popular, even with my family. It has made me second guess myself and wonder if I am completely crazy. I have a toxic relationship in my life, but it is also an unavoidable one. I'm tired of being accused of being selfish, unChristian, and even jealous because I am trying to avoid and get rid of as much of the poison as possible. Under normal circumstances, it would be absolutely right to cut all ties completely, but nothing about my life is ever normal. I wish I could say I welcome the challenge, but that is just not true. BUT I don't hate them or regret them. I just have to work on that whole "being content no matter what" concept that Paul and James were so good at writing about.

Recent events have brought me into a season where I don't have too many people (friends) to bounce my thoughts off of. It's a lonely place to be.

If you read our Christmas letter, you know that the past year has been tough. It seemed like one thing after another kept knocking us to our knees. We were so busy dealing with each occurrence, one at a time, that I don't think I had time to process it all completely. Lately, through no real choice of my own, my mind has been trying to process it, and all I feel is overwhelmed. I cry myself to sleep a lot. I toss and turn. I think about the few people I do have left to talk to, but I don't even know what I want to say.

A couple days ago for the first time, I have actually felt some progress. I have been doing some soul searching about accepting whatever my responsibility would be. I was actually able to think about certain events and people without the usual anger followed by crushing disappointment. I can look myself in the eye and know that I am either doing or going to do the right thing.

I have such a long way to go...this is such a small baby step...that it's hard to stay focused on it without getting defeated once again. You know, that overwhelming feeling again. One day at a time. Just for today, I will focus on that baby step.

1 comment:

Amy Horne said...

I have a lot of your same feelings, Jodi. I am extremely alone as well, but I think much of that is brought on myself. A big part of me just wants to run....and never come back. And you know what....I don't think most ppl, except my family would really care or notice. I am having a very ugly morning...partly bc of PMS looming, but 4 other reasons as well. I am an ear for you to talk to if you want. I am not nearly as good with advice as some, but sometimes having a neutral ear is a good thing. I am sorry for all the crud you have been dealt. Know that you are not alone........Love, Amy