Several family and friends have been able to do something that I really want to do, and I have been struggling with the big green-eyed monster for a while now. The reasons for my not being able to do it are out of my control. And I should be happy for them. It's such a good thing for them all! But their countenance practically screams out their victory while mine is diminishing almost daily...at least it feels that way.
One of these persons has a tendency to passively rub things in your face, and I can't figure out if she's doing it intentionally or not. I thought perhaps it was just me being too sensitive and jealous until, without provocation or knowing how I felt, my daughter pointed it out to me. Anyway, whether she does it on purpose or not, it hurts, and she usually doesn't know when to stop talking about it.
I was feeling this way recently when sitting next to my mom. I saw her (my mom) glance my way at just the right time and then I felt her touch on my knee. She knew what I felt, and she understood. Tears came to my eyes...no matter how old we get, there's is nothing compared to a mother's touch. Especially if you have a mom like mine.
I wish I could say I've begun resolving those jealous feelings, that I found a renewed strength and sense of gratitude for what I already have....but I can't. I can say that I will savor that touch. Someone knows me and understands me. She won't let me wallow in those ugly feelings, but neither will she turn away from them.
My heavenly Father is like that...and there is nothing like His touch either. I wish I felt that as strongly as I do with the physical touches here on earth. Faith is not based on feelings, I know that. (Boy, would we be in trouble if it were!) But sometimes I just want to FEEL His touch....that gentle rub on the knee...a bear hug...you know what I mean. That's why I feel His love so strongly when His people reach out and do just those things.
I am blessed...blessed with parents, TWO parents, who love Jesus and love me. I don't think there are any better examples of God's love than they have shown me from the minute I was born.
I am blessed with a husband who loves the Lord, too. And he and God have given me two beautiful kids who also love Jesus and continue to learn what it means to love Him with ALL their hearts.
I am counting my blessings...can you tell? Maybe if I keep at it long enough, I can send that green-eyed bogeyman on a long walk off a short pier.
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